Who Wants to Bang the Big, Bad Wolf?

March 28, 2014

I've ventured back to the Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer, and took a stab at Scarlet. It was even better than Cinder was.  Much more violence and intrigue, which always captures my attention. I find that violence always makes books and movies better. Hmm...that's something I should probably talk to a therapist about.

What is it about the name Scarlet that makes me smirk? Maybe it's because the name reminds me of the whiney blonde on Nashville. Or maybe it's because I once bought my friend a lap dance from a stripper with c-section scars named Scarlet. Regardless, when reading the second book in The Lunar Chronicles I couldn't help but sneer while scrolling through the pages. This isn't to say I didn't fully enjoy the novel. It puts a whole new light on the classic Red Riding Hood, but adds a gun and a gritty past.

I fucking dare you.

Sequel Schmequel
I enjoyed Scarlet even more so than I did Cinder. I fully appreciated the Taken tone, but instead of a old (albeit sexy) Irish man, we get a teenaged ginger. With a much more detailed past, unpredictable family members, and a thing for the bad boys, Scarlet is a woman after my own heart. I find many revamped fairy tales use the same characters, but neglect to allude to the moral that inspired the story to begin with. Meyer does a great job at referencing the purpose of the story (don't talk to strangers, and the lesser known moral - be nice to your grandparents) while not taking away from the post-apocalyptic feel. The blend of past and future could not have been easy to come up with.

Integrating Cinder in to the storyline was an interesting, and adept, choice. She's not quite as bad ass as a gun toting farm girl, but her adventures blended seamlessly with those of Scarlet. Cinder left the reader with many questions, all of which were answered in Scarlet.

Girl Power Glory
The reluctant feminist in me fully appreciates that the two women in this series are leading ladies at their finest. Their sidekicks are men and machine whom they shamelessly use them for their own gain. Even Levana uses her man minions (manions?) for her personal vendetta by going so far as to genetically manipulate them. GREAT idea. The image of a wolf-man isn't exactly appealing but I suppose the goal is more fear based than sex appeal. Personally I think putting Wolf in a camo print banana hammock and body paint would spice things up, but I can still appreciate his more subtle, animalistic appeal. I hope he at least waxes the important bits.

Scarlet falls for the bad boy. Classic. Sure he withheld pertinent information regarding the kidnapping, sure he was an ex-gang member and current street fighter, and sure he refused her advances throughout 90% of the book, but these qualities are to women what big tits and short skirts are to men. All the makings of female Viagra.

Favorite Moments
-When Scarlet knees Ran in the dick. That's pretty much my only defensive strategy.
-Everything Thorne says. He's so wonderfully ostentatious. Annoying as fuck in person I'm sure, but amusing nevertheless.
-"Wolf, are you asking me to be...your alpha female?" BAHAHAHA I love this. Next time someone asks me out, this will be what I'll unabashedly say. I'm sure I'll lose the date, but it'll be worth it.


My biggest take away from Scarlet is how much fun mind control would be. How much easier would life be if you had that power! As a parent, a boss, a girlfriend, the possibilities are endless.

I give Scarlet 5 bloodied axes out of 5 dismembered wolves.

Twilight - Shallow Girls & Shallow Graves

January 6, 2014

In my holiday dalliance, I felt the urge to read something truly awful. Boorish. Churlish. Abominable. I was halfway a great list of synonyms when it hit me - Twilight. Twilight encompasses all these and more! Reading craptastic books for me is as fun as watching bad 90's TV like Breaker High, but without the added bonus of a young Ryan Gosling. So I embarked on a journey I actively knew I'd regret.

Ahh Bella Swan. Honestly not the worst character in literary history until they used Kristen Stewart to represent her in the movie adaptations. A girl with about as much charisma as my left tit (not my right- it's full of spunk and pizzazz). Starting the book off with a solid helping of whine and despair, she takes us from the Arizona sun to the cloudy, dreary town of Forks. Now that's pathetic fallacy if I've ever seen it.

Forks' Village Idiot

Bella won't shut her cake hole about  everyone's appearances. She gripes about how mousy she is, how beautiful Arizona's citizens were, how mousy she is again, and how confused she is by the Forks' boy's attraction to her. Then there's the Cullens. The moment she sees these 5 pasty, haughty, post pubescent, "students" she's in awe. Why? It's not like these were the days before the internet when you only saw pretty people in the occasional magazine. I refuse to believe the Cullens are any more drool worthy than a handful of the average celebrities (mmm...a handful of celebrities...like Benadict Cumberbatch...in my hand...full...). Her initial description of Edward is "... lanky, lessbulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair.". Uh, that doesn't exactly make my panties drip girl. Sounds like most guys I went to high school with.

Bella jumps head first in to infatuation with the Cullens. Some might say this is because her family blows, or that she's jealous of their grace and bangin' looks, but personally I think it's simply a case of being bored with her own life. Getting an old truck and wet hair isn't exactly anything to write home to your neglectful mom about. Within knowing the kid for one day, Bella states that the second day at school is worse than the first because Edward isn't there...this brings clingy to a new level. She allows her entire world to be dictated by Edward's current opinion of her. It's insanity. Edward's mad at her, she becomes depressed. Edward's chatty, she's happy. Get your shit together. She's so ridiculously co dependent, it's damn near pitiable. Tyler's van should have killed her just to put her out of her bi polar misery.

Despite Edwards blatant warnings to stay away from him Bella continuous to chase him like a starving puppy. Seriously? She probably believes the Shaw guy when he says her appointment is at 1pm too. Idiot. Her blind ignorance is demonstrated constantly throughout the book. Even after she has a dream about Edward being a vampire and Jacob being a wolf, she still doesn't fully make the connection. Instead, she falls in LOVE with the corpse by the end of the 9th (painful) chapter. What is it about clammy skin and guzzling blood that makes her hot? Pass.

Literary Libations

It's a fun game when reading Twilight to take a shot whenever you find a religious reference Stephanie Meyer threw in (good 'ol mormons):

- "He didn't know me from Eve"

- Humans transcending mortal form to become eternal beings
- Sparkly, luminescent Edward...some may even describe him as angelic

- Bella constantly refers to her boy toy as "godlike" and even imagines him as an angel when he saves her (unfortunately)
- Women taking on all domestic rolls (while Charlie sits on his ass watching TV)
- Aversions to lies (or fairy tale truths as I call them)
- No funny business before monogamy, no sex before marriage
- Taking cold medicine is considered " ...gratuitous drug use" 
- Falling in love on the 3rd date (those book-of-Mormon thumpers move faster than lesbians. Honestly.)

It seems to me that Stephanie Meyer is making a valiant attempt at making her own wet dreams in to something acceptable within her cult religion. Taking a blood thirsty demonic figure and turning him in to a sparkly, angelic, soft spoken, hunk may work for you lady, but for the rest of us whose turnoffs include rigamortis and emotional instability, we'll stick with Mr. Pitt and Clooney. 


Piques
Ok friends. Time to address the dead, blood thirsty elephant in the room. The sparkling. THE SPARKLING! What was Stephanie Meyer thinking!? I realize that her target audience is prepubescent girls and cat ladies, and both of which are easily entranced by sparkly objects, but COME ON. Sparkly rings - yes. Sparkly nails - yes. Sparkly men - no. Bedazzled humans are only acceptable at raves and gay clubs. 

It's beyond frustrating to me that chaste, innocent Bella can't even vocalize the idea of sex (even when she relates it to marriage). It's very hard to believe that a teenage girl, of any religious persuasion, can't say three little letters. Call me insensitive, but if you can't even entertain the thought of sex, then you're too immature to be considering marriage or sex. Or giving up your last breath to spend eternity as a corpse bride for that matter. Of course my opinion is pretty damn jaded. Pretty sure my first word was "vagina!" (proud moment for my parents).



Alas, this book was not as the title described - Twilight indicates the closing or ending. Considering this novel is only the start to a craptastic saga, I vote we rename it something fitting. Something that will warn the reader before they pick it up. Something like "Admonition" or "Zombies Gone Wrong". This book gets a solid 0.25 blood bags out of 5.

One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap Backwards for Mankind

October 18, 2013

I'm in the midst of exactly 4 books right now and will be getting to the literary posts again, but in the meantime I came across this article that absolutely infuriated and disgusted me. Basically I feel about this article the same way Clark Kent feels about most rocks - it hurts my soul and turns me in to a rampaging lunatic.

For those who care to indulge, feel free to click on the link below and read Preston Waters pontificate the most sexist opinions since the 1800s.
http://elitedaily.com/dating/gentlemen/good-girls-unicorns/


How'd you like that? If your answer was:

That was ATROCIOUS! What an ignorant piece of shit. We should find him and remove his testicles so he never procreates.

Then proceed on wards my friend! I'll get the scissors while you peruse my rantings. 

If your answer was:

I dunno…I agree with him on quite a few points. Women today just aren’t the same ya know?

Then get out. Leave. 

Let's start out by looking at some of our friend Preston Waters' statements.

Women have changed drastically

Yes. They have. They've gained basic human rights, a life outside of being a wife, and become more educated. My apologies to Mr. Waters if he's looking for a nice old timey gal who won't lift her petticoat for him before marriage (at age 16), but the vast majority of woman since the 1970s indulge in test driving the car before buying it.

...Women seizing the moment and just living life and having fun like they like to call it...

How. Dare. They. Those damn women and their fun! Listen up ladies - Preston didn't give any of us permission to "just live our lives" - stop it. Just put down your confetti, take off your high heels, and get your self back to your cooking and cross stitching before we ruin society forever.

...eventually become undesirable because no one stays hot forever

Ha! You're telling me! Let's talk about beer guts, receding hair lines, ear hair and erectile dysfunction. 

Sure we men are to blame for this as well, but that is because we're idiots.

...That's it? That's his grand reason to excuse men from the same scrutiny that he is subjecting women to? Because men are idiots? Women are the smarter sex therefore we should recede to our humble roots of family raising and house cleaning? I probably belong at pasture because I don't want to have kids and only lazily clean my house once a week. Might as well shoot me me now and end my whore life. (A bit dramatic I know. But you know us women - shrill and hysterical)

..at the same time I am also a gentleman that knows how to treat a lady with respect and compassion just like any other true lady should be treated

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If this man is a gentleman, I'm a literal unicorn.

A (probably slutty)Hole in Reason

In addition to his vast generalizations  Mr. Waters continuously contradicts his own arguments (I mean I suppose I understand - it must be hard to sort out your point of view when your head is so firmly up your own ass). He scolds us women folk for our fancy free ways of having fun and taking charge of what we want, then makes statements such as: 

This is great because it cuts out a lot of hard work that men used to have to go through to woo a woman to get what they ultimately want

Let me get this straight Preston. You'd like women to shut their legs, but let you bang them. Hate to break it to you bud, but legs have to open for the whole penis in vagina part to happen. Pretty basic biology. Then he presents the reader with this gem of wisdom:

...when we actually find a unicorn and settle down, our ego gets a bit ahead of ourselves and we find them a bit too boring for our liking, so we decide to cheat.

So all women are sluts, but there's rare ones that are pure and wonderful, but therefore are boring, so cheating on them with the aforementioned sluts is inevitable. Well isn't that just a cheery thought. We all might as well all give up on the opposite sex right now. Clearly the concept that men cheat with sluts, so women become sluttier to keep men's attention hasn't occurred to Preston.

Broken Penis Perception

The continuous use of the term 'broken' when referring to women is disturbing. We're not dolls, nor are we wild horses. Mr. Waters' notion of what make a woman broken is strangely similar to what others would call confident and independent. 

Our friend Preston shows signs of intelligent life when he states

...we are eventually going to want more out of a female than just sex.

Oh you mean we're good for more than a place to put your dick? What a relief. What Preston doesn't seem to grasp is that the situation is the same for women. Eventually women will want more from men than just a living dildo. That's what growing up entails. The point in everyone (male and female)'s lives that is driven by their genitals is short lived so why not peruse it while you can? This could simply be the thoughts of a woman "just living life and having fun", but out of your 80 some years you're on this earth, you're going to have a max of 10 of those during which you'll participate in the meat market scene so why not jump in to it groin first? Or don't. The point is that it's your choice how to use your body. It doesn't matter if you're a slut, a compulsive masturbator, a prude, a tease, or a virgin - none of these titles will last forever because they're more a phase of life than a title of identity.

Mr. Waters speaks of the impossible woman who values herself so much so that she'll be an inexperienced starfish when she marries the love of her life (Preston himself I presume), yet he admits:

...it is a fantasy that doesn't actually exist.When you actually meet one, you will refuse to admit she's real anyways.

Well then it seems man kind is just shit outta luck on this one. Might as well grab a stripper right off the stage you've been drooling all over, slap a ring on her finger and put a baby up in that bitch.

This article makes me ever the more glad I'm dating a man who's exactly that - a man. Not a whiny bitch who clearly can't settle on what he wants in a woman. I chalk Preston's views up to being friend zoned one too many times. His hand must be exhausted.

Preston Waters puts all women in to two categories: slutty and dumb, or virtuous and intelligent. The concept of an intelligent, self sufficient, confident woman with gumption is apparently an extinct species in Preston's world. Despite what he seems to believe, education and life experience doesn't evaporate from our vapid little heads the moment we come in contact with a penis. His views of women are  mindbogglingly narrow and shallow.

Let women and men alike do whatever the hell they want with their body because it's their body to decide what to do with. The views of an online Neanderthal should not (and I'm sure do not) have any impact on what dress you're going to wear out tonight and who you're going to give a hummer to later on. 

But hey. I'm just a silly woman. What do I know.

Ps - I resent Preston Waters statement that unicorns aren't real.

Atrociously Asinine Adolescents...Again

August 23, 2013

I'm going to keep this one short because I want to wipe the memory of this utterly craptastic work of fiction out of my head ASAP.

I made the mistake of reading the first of the City of Bones series by Cassandra Claire. It. Was. Awful.

I knew heading in to it that City of Bones wasn't going to be stellar, but I didn't expect it to be subpar to Twilight. I didn't even know it was possible to sink lower than 100 year old virgins and whiny warewolves but Cassandra Clare has powered through and supremely lowered the IQs of tweens everywhere.

This "novel" pulled cliches from every teen story out there. We've got:
- A heroine who doesn't know how attractive she is.
- The geeky friend who secretly has a thing for said girl.
- The mysterious stranger whom the girl finds annoying but pops a lady boner at the sight of .
- An absentee parent, and one remaining parent who keeps secrets "to protect their child".
- Magic.
- Crazy young characters. Fifteen years old? I'm pretty sure I was still excited about shopping at Claire's when i was fifteen.
- Magestic makeover scene turning the heroine from mousy to slutty.
- Geeky understated friend saves the day with unknown talents.

Rant Time
Why is it in these damn books that the heroine finds some skill set she never knew she had that saves her hide? Why couldn't it have been more like:

"The Revener pounded across the living room floor and tore Clary's esophagus from her throat before feasting on her tiny brain and bleeding heart."

Way more fun.


Claire crams as many mythical stereotypes in her story as she possibly can (but still no Unicorns...they're probably too good for this slander disappointment book).

I would rather be eaten by Voldemort than be a part of this atrocity!

In addition to New York now being awash with mythical beings, we learn that these "runes" (which are never properly explained) can make Clary draw objects to life. Oh good. Just what we need. Do me a favor sweetheart and draw me a bottle of JD and a gun.

One last dig at this pile of compost - Cassandra Clare names her heroine Clary. Are you kidding me. Look CC. I know your life must be dull and your couponing can only get you through so many days, but next time you try LSD and have a 3 day trip in your basement, keep the story to yourself. I can find paper elsewhere to line my cat's litter box with.

Fail.

Fembots and Fairytales

August 16, 2013

Upon a friend's suggestion, the next "work of literature" (note the parenthesis - the most sarcastic of all punctuation) I set out to read was Cinder. My love for classic fairytales has been challenged in the past year with movies such as Snow White and the Huntsman with Grumpy Cat Kristen Stewart, so I hoped that a book adaptation of a classic might have a bit more to offer. 

This book is a strange combination of Inspector Gadget, Princess Diaries, Hunger Games, and of course Cinderella. Big kudos to Marissa Meyer for imagination. Taking on the task of rebooting a classic like Cinderella is daunting. The most I could probably do with it is make her a tranny (surprise Prince Charming! Your new wife has a dick!).


Wicked Wins 
Cinder's step mom was a fantastically developed character. What an utterly repellent bitch! Selling her daughter's possessions within minutes of her being carted off to die? Naming your daughters Pearl and Peony? Scandalous and deliciously evil. Being the evil step mother carries a lot of responsibility to be brooding and nasty, and Adri lives up to the title. It's a pretty iconic roll. In the case of this novel, I have to say I agree with Adri on many points. Cinder makes a lot of selfish choices, and I think it's only natural to choose your own (human) daughters over the pet project cyborg your dead husband picked up.

Evil is such a strong word. She's probably just menopausal.

Levana, the queen bee/alien empress/royal bombshell, is the real one who deserves the evil title. What a c-u-next-tuesday that one is. I'm brimming with jealousy over her ability to alter other's perceptions and thoughts. What a handy little feature! Especially when drunk. 

Hot guy: "WTF you just puked on my jeans" 

Me: "Or did I....." 

I can't help but picture Iko, Cinder's personal bitch drone, looking like the love child of Wall-e and Eva. Which is amazing because I've always wanted an Eva (Wall-e not so much. Doesn't know how to mind his own business - too much of a keener).

Just adorable...or just farted

Ques Que Fuck?
As always, I had a few questions when reading this novel:

-Why is she still called Cinder? She's a grease monkey. Something like "Ratchet" or "Sparkplug" would be more appropriate. It's hardly as though the audience would miss the Cinderella reference between the bitchy step mom and the hoity toity prince.

-As a cyborg, would she be an objectiphile? Obviously she's attracted to the prince, but she did seem to have a bit of a thing for that gasoline car in the junkyard too. Just sayin.

-Why is there no  mention of animals? Not even a bird or a bug. Are all animals extinct in the future? 

-Why did we decide to repopulate China of all places? Canada has more room, more varied climates and landscapes, and Ryan Gosling. China has rice and KPop.

-Exactly how much control does Cinder have over her mechanical hand? For example, if she was to give the prince a handy - would she crush his royal member?

-WHY WOULD YOU STOP A BOOK THERE MEYER? Rude. Cliff hangers are for TV episodes, not books. How will it continue considering the rumor is that the next book is about another fairytale? Please, please, please don't tell me Meyer is going to mix stories. GOD FORBID if she mixes the Grimms with Hans Christian Anderson.


My favorite quote of the book was near the beginning when the Prince and Cinder first meet:

“I can’t get her to turn on...She was working fine one day, and the next, nothing" 

HA! How representative of many a man's sentiment towards the rubix cube that is women. Classic.


I was surprised with how much I actually enjoyed this book.  I'm sure the Grimm Brothers are rolling in their graves at the mere thought of a robot princess, but it was entertaining and an easy read. I do still like the original better - you really can't beat self mutilation stories. 
The "twist" was predictable, but still a good aspect to mix up the original plot line of classic Cindy. I did miss the fairy godmother, because she's a badass, but I do appreciate the "make your own magic" message.

Four amputees out of five.

The Last 50 Shades - Putting the "Kin" in "Kink"

July 10, 2013

So it has come to this. Books about married person sex. Who. The. Hell. Cares.

The title of the third book made me smirk - Fifty Shades Freed. Ironic no? Considering that they've tied the knot as well as the bondage ropes, free is not exactly the word that comes to  mind. If I had the audacity to edit the title, I'd go with something like Fifty Shades of Monotonous Monogamy.


I was very disappointed to learn that Christian and Anastasia actually tied the knot. Go ahead, celebrate your love and junk, just please wait until the last chapter of an erotic novel to drop off the sexy scale. No one wants to read about married people humping. It brings up images of your parents humping. And that's gross. Nothing makes sex less kinky than when it's sacred in the eyes of God. Except maybe when you husband tells you not to pee before you do it. Frankly, that's just plain rude. It's vexing to me that Anastasia won't listen to Christian regarding her work schedule, but she's willing to let her husband tell her when she's allowed to tinkle? I read once that if you continuously hold it, you can create urine crystals in you bladder. And that sounds painful. Although considering Christian's affinity for masochism, that could be the end goal - bladder stalagmites and stalactites? How erotic.

I'm sure her vag is just as cavernous and well lit

If the elaborate dwelling and drooling over the God that is Christian Grey didn't tell us that this series was written by a desperate lonely imaginative woman, we certainly catch on as Christian constantly pushes money and clothes on Ana, violently defends her honor, and tells her to gain weight. Which is every woman's wet dream, and completely unrealistic. Bill Gates probably doesn't even tell his wife to go spend his fortune. That's how he stays so rich. Next thing you know Christian will be telling Ana "Get 6 cats. Cat dander gets me hard".


Sister Wives
Christian's brother proposes to Ana's best friend. Another wet dream for woman kind. Too bad they fought for half the length of their relationship before he popped the question. And on that note, does everyone in Portland get married after 6.5 dates? Maybe if they waited they could find nice normal guys who let them piss when they want to and don't touch their tampons. I regress. The club the big happy family goes to when Elliot & Kate get engaged sounds abhorrent. Like the ones you purposely cancel plans for last minute to avoid. As James renders:

The music is pulsing, a techno beat with a thumping base line. The dance floor isn't crowded, which means we have some space. The mix is eclectic - young and old alike dancing the night away.

This description reminds me of a club called Sound Garden in Lethbridge, AB. The one sure place to get date raped and watch a 60 year old overweight woman in leather pants dance on the speakers every Friday and Saturday night. I'll pass thanks. Although if I was brought to a place like this to celebrate my engagement, a handful of roofies, or Forgetmenow's as Gob Bluth calls them, might not be the worst idea.

Last Ditch Attempt at S&M

Christian gets even more rapey with his fantasies in Fifty Shades Freed. Asking your wife to struggle with you when you tie her up? Why don't you just ask her to walk through a parking lot at night and you'll grab her ankle and drag her underneath a truck. Any air of eroticism this scene had to it was lost when Christian utters:

Oh, baby, fight me

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's just literary gold! Followed by their word diarrhea of one word demands, it was too much for me to handle. My staff must've thought I'd gone off the deep end as I was reading on my computer, snickering behind my desk. 

The Lighter Shades of Grey

I'll give E.L. White this much - the ending was good. Well, until it got all emotional and junk again. But in the midst of the action I was enjoying the change of pace- guns and kidnapping always helps kick things up a notch. I momentarily held a vain hope that Ana was going to die  but was viciously snapped out of my day dream when Christian came to the rescue. Ah well. It was very short lived, but was enough to get me through the end of the book and series. And cushion the awkwardness of Christian carrying Ana to the bathroom and listening to her pee.

Epilogue

This was potentially the worst part of the entire series. Just. Horrendous. 

Can we talk about how they named their first kid Ted? What an awful name for anyone under the age of 80. So many things rhyme with Ted too - that poor bastard is going to be completely tormented at whatever waspy private school he's sent to.

Why are they having bondage sex when she's 6 months prego? That's such a disturbing image! Certainly brings up some fetish concerns.

Did they make Ana have a c-section to preserve her theoretical vag? Because that's hilarious.

This one was definitely the least enjoyable of the 3 books. Just the fact that it took me this long to want to pick it up back up and power through the pages says something. And that's coming from a girl who spent 4 months studying Chaucer. This one might even be worse than Twilight. I know. That bad.

Overall, I'm going to smack the series with a solid 43%. By that I mean I only was entertained 43% of the time reading it, and the 57% I was looking for the next sex scene or wishing it was illustrated.

Love Me, Love My Ball Gag

June 7, 2013

Let me preface my lamenting by saying the second book in the series was better than the first. Perhaps it's because I've gotten over my initial skepticism, but I enjoyed it more overall. Stalkers and guns and cougars oh my.

Starting with the title - Fifty Shades Darker. Ominous. Bonus points. Clearly darker doesn't always mean better, but James made a valiant attempt to provide a couple plot points that didn't make me want to hang myself in the red room. Much less  "he's playing with my emotions" and much more "he's playing with my tits". Of which I highly approve.

Secondly, I was pleasantly surprised when E L James threw in a couple words that were above a grade 6 reading level. Inveigle and avuncular? Great words. Still doesn't make up for the others, such as "fuckery" and "nifty", but it gets an A for effort nevertheless.

Another admirable detail (listen to me going on! I'm going to give off the impression I'm a fan of the series if I'm not careful) was E L James' careful consideration to having Christian take off his socks before each rondevue. In high school, a friend of mine dated a guy, let's call him Chris Smith, who always kept his socks on during the act (and all acts leading up to the act). We fondly called him "only socks Smith". Only socks Grey just doesn't have the same ring to it, so I applaud James' attention to detail.

Back to Business
I was snorting with laughter as I read the lipstick outlining scene. That mental image of Christian Grey marked up like a cow at the butcher just reminded me entirely too much of plastic surgery consults which is quite possibly the least erotic process ever.

Hawt.

Let's just touch on the not-quite-a-pregnancy-scare. Ana is horrified by the mere suggestion that she might be pregnant (for a whole 1.5 minutes), but is then annoyed when Christian is freaked out by the prospect too...what? Talk about a double standard. This girl is the paradigm of bipolar. She's either got mental health issues, or is easily swayed in to changing herself for a dude. One minute she's breaking up with him over being spanked, the next she's begging for it. She doesn't want to be pregnant, but then gets her panties in a twist when her boyfriend doesn't want a kid either. She's mad at him, then gets turned on, then starts crying all in the span of a 3 minute shower. Figure your shit out Ana and talk to your doctor about Lithium.

Character "Development"

Since the first book, Christian has become a pussy. In Fifty Shades of Grey he was domineering, decisive and despotic. In Fifty Shades Darker he's become petulant, pitiful and poignant. Ugh. So much for my lady boner. Sure the puppy dog man seems adorable on the surface, but it's hard to remember that initial attraction once his droning whine has become a permanent fixture and he's piddled on your new carpet. We've all had shit in our past Christian. Stop it.

Christian's food fascination also develops in the second book. I understand that he was malnourished as a kid (probably should be thanking his past for the chiseled physique we read about today), but it's beyond the boarder of obsessive. Maybe the fourth book, Fifty Flavours of Grey, will be about splooshing. Now that I'd read. (If you don't know what splooshing is, go look it up and have a good laugh)

The second book of the series has made me confused which side I'm on. On one hand, Ana is insufferably emotional, but can be reasonable (for example, needing to work and not ride on Christian...'s money). On the other hand, Christian's ludicrous expectations & possessiveness is infuriating to even the reader, but he's rich and hot. See my predicament? Maybe I'll be on team Taylor. He seems like a reasonable and upstanding man on a nice payroll.

We finally get a look into Grey's history (as if you couldn't predict it already) when he spits out this gem:

"I'm a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore - my birth mother."

Jesus Christ girl, T Swift is right. This is  way scarier than the slag with the gun. RUN. RUN FAST AND RUN FAR. Christian makes Oedipus look look like a misguided teenager with this one. As if the chest full of butt plugs didn't scream "emotionally unstable" on it's own. Let's break this down. Sadist - A person who enjoys being cruel. Whip - A tool used for corporal punishment or to train animals. Crack whore - Not an appropriate name to call your mother, even if she was a lady of the night who used drugs on a recreational basis. There should have been an Ana shaped hole in his wall before this sentence was even finished being uttered.

Homework
Here's some things to think about boys and girls:

1. Is anyone else curious as to what Anastasia's bi-polar "inner goddess" looks like? She has to have a physical form if she can "jerk awake suddenly, all disheveled with a just fucked look". And on that note, who's fucking her?
2.  Ana is remarkably okay after having a gun pointed at her and a potential rape take place within a 24 hour period...shouldn't she be more shaken? And by shaken, I mean shouldn't she be crying in the fetal position in the shower corner, surrounded by empty Ben & Jerry's containers and not getting bound and banged by her sadist boyfriend?
3. Ana's rapey boss' name is Jack Hyde. A man who's friendly one minute and angry the next named Jack Hyde. Real original James. Robert Louis Stevenson isn't just rolling in his grave, he's violently convulsing.
4. How did the crazy ex get a gun licence in a day? I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure a dirty hoe with crazy eyes can't just grab one at the checkout counter with her gum.
5. The dating circles are so tightly knit it's almost incest. Grey & Ana are dating. Ana's roommate is dating Grey's brother. Ana's roommate's brother is dating Grey's sister. Do you think at family dinners they just look at each other and cringe across the table thinking "I've heard what you sound like during your vinegar strokes"?


I'm feeling generous, so I'll give Fifty Shades Darker two ball gags out of five. Not based on literary merit, just on comparison basis with Fifty Shades of Grey. But as far as shit literature goes, it'll do pig, it'll do.