Not Even Worth A Snappy Title

September 18, 2014

Once again I plundered the links on www.readanybook.com. This time, I made a poor life decision. I selected a novel by the name of Secrets of My Hollywood Life. Atrocious. Dreadful. Abysmal. Horrendous. I could go on and on, and my list of synonyms would be more interesting than this book was.

I'll give you the short version. Honestly, it's probably not even worth your time to read this synopsis, but if you REALLY have nothing better to do, than read on. And I'm sorry your life sucks.

Secrets of My Hollywood Life centers around the age old fable of a girl who has fame and fortune wanting to live a normal teenage life. Naturally, there's the villain (competing tween actress), heartthrobs (famous and civilian), and evil parents (controlling gold diggers). Kaitlin Burke is on a hit TV soap opera, but wants nothing more than to experience High School like a normal teenage girl. Clearly no one told her about sweaty gym classes, droning teachers, rotting goo in your new locker, or shitty school parking lots. In a disguise that would only fool fictional peers, Kaitlin attends school and gets found out by her arch rival - Sky. Surprised? No I wasn't either.

I have a sneaking suspicion that Miley Cyrus wrote this book. It's essentially the authored version of Hannah Montana. Equally as awful, equally as unrelatable, and equally as impressive (as in that it's not).

In addition to the vomit-inducing nicknames for Kaitlin Burke (Kate-kate, Katie-kins, Katie-kat) the reader must endure, the literary genius behind Secrets of My Hollywood Life - Jen Calonita - dedicates this book to her two sons. Her SONS. Poor guys. All I can hope is that her sons are flamboyantly gay and fascinated by celebrity culture.

Zero out of any rating system you want.

Sisters, Strangulation and Shoes

Summer is here again. Which means I have more time to read and criticize (mostly the latter). I went to one of my favorite websites the other day - www.readanybook.com to take a look at the popular reads section. I like to keep an eye on what the kids are reading nowadays. Unfortunately the list seems to be shorter than it was when I was a kid (and with that, I've become my mother grandmother), but I digress. I selected a novel called The Lying Game. Next to the other novels listed (Man's Search for Meaning, Vampire Academy, and Before I Fall), lying sounded the least dull and whiny and the most likely to have shenanigans ensue. With this flawless reasoning, I dove in.

We are first presented to the heroine, Sutton Mercer, passed out in a bathtub in a frat house. Ahhh a girl after my own heart. I fondly recall the mornings of smeared mascara and missing purses while stumbling to put my pumps back on and muttering about needing better friends. Classic. In the midst of regaining her composure, Sutton is interrupted by another girl stumbling in to the bathroom to rub the shame off herself with lavender lotion. Now this is where the plot gets tricky and a bit less relate able - Sutton can not be seen or heard, and therefore she assumes she must be invisible..wait the girl looks like her...wait her memories are blurry (it's called a hangover sweetheart)...wait she's DEAD! As Ron Burgundy says:

We learn that Sutton has no choice but to follow her twin - Emma - around, and can oversee her life like a creepier, more manicured version of Casper. What we don't learn though, is how Sutton can hear Emma's thoughts. It just sort of happens and the reader must then infer on their own how this worked out (I must admit...I reread the first scene in which this happened 3 times before resigning to the fact that the author wasn't going to tell us the reasoning behind this). Which made me think - can all ghosts hear our thoughts or is it just some twinsy connection? Oh god... has ghost grandma heard my thoughts when I'm watching a Colin Farrell movie? Oh god porn...all the porn.

There is a strong "boy who cried wolf" theme in The Lying Game - except it's more of a "bratty rich bitch who cried LOVE ME". Although she seemingly can't remember, Sutton was clearly the absolute worst when she was alive. Think Regina George, but without the fabulousness.

The words raging bitch come to mind, which is a stark contrast to Emma's genuine and seemingly gentle spirit. She does seem to adapt to Sutton's life and snarky remarks pretty quickly though.

We don't learn why the book is called The Lying Game until the last half of the novel. Kind of annoying. A lot annoying. Just straight up annoying really. But once I learned what the lying game was, I loved it. It's cruel, it's awful, and it's thoroughly entertaining. No spoilers here, but it's every High School girl's combined dream and nightmare (depending on what side you're on). Sutton and her game make Chris Hargensen's antics look like fucking amateur hour.

What gets me, is how simple it could have been for Emma to prove she's not Sutton - DNA test? Anybody? Anyone? No? No? Oh okay. When she's at the police station, clearly Queen S has quite the record and I'm sure has been fingerprinted, so why not ask the cops to spend 2 minutes to fingerprint her to prove she's not the same person? Oh right because of the big mansion and her new daddy's wallet. I'd keep my pie hole shut too. Cha ching!

As far as teen mysteries go, The Lying Game does have me guessing. But be prepared though- not everything gets solved at the end - again, annoying. But still. An easy quick read, and an interesting combination of Mean Girls, and The Lovely Bones. Four bloodied Prada purses out of five.

Who Wants to Bang the Big, Bad Wolf?

March 28, 2014

I've ventured back to the Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer, and took a stab at Scarlet. It was even better than Cinder was.  Much more violence and intrigue, which always captures my attention. I find that violence always makes books and movies better. Hmm...that's something I should probably talk to a therapist about.

What is it about the name Scarlet that makes me smirk? Maybe it's because the name reminds me of the whiney blonde on Nashville. Or maybe it's because I once bought my friend a lap dance from a stripper with c-section scars named Scarlet. Regardless, when reading the second book in The Lunar Chronicles I couldn't help but sneer while scrolling through the pages. This isn't to say I didn't fully enjoy the novel. It puts a whole new light on the classic Red Riding Hood, but adds a gun and a gritty past.

I fucking dare you.

Sequel Schmequel
I enjoyed Scarlet even more so than I did Cinder. I fully appreciated the Taken tone, but instead of a old (albeit sexy) Irish man, we get a teenaged ginger. With a much more detailed past, unpredictable family members, and a thing for the bad boys, Scarlet is a woman after my own heart. I find many revamped fairy tales use the same characters, but neglect to allude to the moral that inspired the story to begin with. Meyer does a great job at referencing the purpose of the story (don't talk to strangers, and the lesser known moral - be nice to your grandparents) while not taking away from the post-apocalyptic feel. The blend of past and future could not have been easy to come up with.

Integrating Cinder in to the storyline was an interesting, and adept, choice. She's not quite as bad ass as a gun toting farm girl, but her adventures blended seamlessly with those of Scarlet. Cinder left the reader with many questions, all of which were answered in Scarlet.

Girl Power Glory
The reluctant feminist in me fully appreciates that the two women in this series are leading ladies at their finest. Their sidekicks are men and machine whom they shamelessly use them for their own gain. Even Levana uses her man minions (manions?) for her personal vendetta by going so far as to genetically manipulate them. GREAT idea. The image of a wolf-man isn't exactly appealing but I suppose the goal is more fear based than sex appeal. Personally I think putting Wolf in a camo print banana hammock and body paint would spice things up, but I can still appreciate his more subtle, animalistic appeal. I hope he at least waxes the important bits.

Scarlet falls for the bad boy. Classic. Sure he withheld pertinent information regarding the kidnapping, sure he was an ex-gang member and current street fighter, and sure he refused her advances throughout 90% of the book, but these qualities are to women what big tits and short skirts are to men. All the makings of female Viagra.

Favorite Moments
-When Scarlet knees Ran in the dick. That's pretty much my only defensive strategy.
-Everything Thorne says. He's so wonderfully ostentatious. Annoying as fuck in person I'm sure, but amusing nevertheless.
-"Wolf, are you asking me to be...your alpha female?" BAHAHAHA I love this. Next time someone asks me out, this will be what I'll unabashedly say. I'm sure I'll lose the date, but it'll be worth it.


My biggest take away from Scarlet is how much fun mind control would be. How much easier would life be if you had that power! As a parent, a boss, a girlfriend, the possibilities are endless.

I give Scarlet 5 bloodied axes out of 5 dismembered wolves.

Twilight - Shallow Girls & Shallow Graves

January 6, 2014

In my holiday dalliance, I felt the urge to read something truly awful. Boorish. Churlish. Abominable. I was halfway a great list of synonyms when it hit me - Twilight. Twilight encompasses all these and more! Reading craptastic books for me is as fun as watching bad 90's TV like Breaker High, but without the added bonus of a young Ryan Gosling. So I embarked on a journey I actively knew I'd regret.

Ahh Bella Swan. Honestly not the worst character in literary history until they used Kristen Stewart to represent her in the movie adaptations. A girl with about as much charisma as my left tit (not my right- it's full of spunk and pizzazz). Starting the book off with a solid helping of whine and despair, she takes us from the Arizona sun to the cloudy, dreary town of Forks. Now that's pathetic fallacy if I've ever seen it.

Forks' Village Idiot

Bella won't shut her cake hole about  everyone's appearances. She gripes about how mousy she is, how beautiful Arizona's citizens were, how mousy she is again, and how confused she is by the Forks' boy's attraction to her. Then there's the Cullens. The moment she sees these 5 pasty, haughty, post pubescent, "students" she's in awe. Why? It's not like these were the days before the internet when you only saw pretty people in the occasional magazine. I refuse to believe the Cullens are any more drool worthy than a handful of the average celebrities (mmm...a handful of celebrities...like Benadict Cumberbatch...in my hand...full...). Her initial description of Edward is "... lanky, lessbulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair.". Uh, that doesn't exactly make my panties drip girl. Sounds like most guys I went to high school with.

Bella jumps head first in to infatuation with the Cullens. Some might say this is because her family blows, or that she's jealous of their grace and bangin' looks, but personally I think it's simply a case of being bored with her own life. Getting an old truck and wet hair isn't exactly anything to write home to your neglectful mom about. Within knowing the kid for one day, Bella states that the second day at school is worse than the first because Edward isn't there...this brings clingy to a new level. She allows her entire world to be dictated by Edward's current opinion of her. It's insanity. Edward's mad at her, she becomes depressed. Edward's chatty, she's happy. Get your shit together. She's so ridiculously co dependent, it's damn near pitiable. Tyler's van should have killed her just to put her out of her bi polar misery.

Despite Edwards blatant warnings to stay away from him Bella continuous to chase him like a starving puppy. Seriously? She probably believes the Shaw guy when he says her appointment is at 1pm too. Idiot. Her blind ignorance is demonstrated constantly throughout the book. Even after she has a dream about Edward being a vampire and Jacob being a wolf, she still doesn't fully make the connection. Instead, she falls in LOVE with the corpse by the end of the 9th (painful) chapter. What is it about clammy skin and guzzling blood that makes her hot? Pass.

Literary Libations

It's a fun game when reading Twilight to take a shot whenever you find a religious reference Stephanie Meyer threw in (good 'ol mormons):

- "He didn't know me from Eve"

- Humans transcending mortal form to become eternal beings
- Sparkly, luminescent Edward...some may even describe him as angelic

- Bella constantly refers to her boy toy as "godlike" and even imagines him as an angel when he saves her (unfortunately)
- Women taking on all domestic rolls (while Charlie sits on his ass watching TV)
- Aversions to lies (or fairy tale truths as I call them)
- No funny business before monogamy, no sex before marriage
- Taking cold medicine is considered " ...gratuitous drug use" 
- Falling in love on the 3rd date (those book-of-Mormon thumpers move faster than lesbians. Honestly.)

It seems to me that Stephanie Meyer is making a valiant attempt at making her own wet dreams in to something acceptable within her cult religion. Taking a blood thirsty demonic figure and turning him in to a sparkly, angelic, soft spoken, hunk may work for you lady, but for the rest of us whose turnoffs include rigamortis and emotional instability, we'll stick with Mr. Pitt and Clooney. 


Piques
Ok friends. Time to address the dead, blood thirsty elephant in the room. The sparkling. THE SPARKLING! What was Stephanie Meyer thinking!? I realize that her target audience is prepubescent girls and cat ladies, and both of which are easily entranced by sparkly objects, but COME ON. Sparkly rings - yes. Sparkly nails - yes. Sparkly men - no. Bedazzled humans are only acceptable at raves and gay clubs. 

It's beyond frustrating to me that chaste, innocent Bella can't even vocalize the idea of sex (even when she relates it to marriage). It's very hard to believe that a teenage girl, of any religious persuasion, can't say three little letters. Call me insensitive, but if you can't even entertain the thought of sex, then you're too immature to be considering marriage or sex. Or giving up your last breath to spend eternity as a corpse bride for that matter. Of course my opinion is pretty damn jaded. Pretty sure my first word was "vagina!" (proud moment for my parents).



Alas, this book was not as the title described - Twilight indicates the closing or ending. Considering this novel is only the start to a craptastic saga, I vote we rename it something fitting. Something that will warn the reader before they pick it up. Something like "Admonition" or "Zombies Gone Wrong". This book gets a solid 0.25 blood bags out of 5.

One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap Backwards for Mankind

October 18, 2013

I'm in the midst of exactly 4 books right now and will be getting to the literary posts again, but in the meantime I came across this article that absolutely infuriated and disgusted me. Basically I feel about this article the same way Clark Kent feels about most rocks - it hurts my soul and turns me in to a rampaging lunatic.

For those who care to indulge, feel free to click on the link below and read Preston Waters pontificate the most sexist opinions since the 1800s.
http://elitedaily.com/dating/gentlemen/good-girls-unicorns/


How'd you like that? If your answer was:

That was ATROCIOUS! What an ignorant piece of shit. We should find him and remove his testicles so he never procreates.

Then proceed on wards my friend! I'll get the scissors while you peruse my rantings. 

If your answer was:

I dunno…I agree with him on quite a few points. Women today just aren’t the same ya know?

Then get out. Leave. 

Let's start out by looking at some of our friend Preston Waters' statements.

Women have changed drastically

Yes. They have. They've gained basic human rights, a life outside of being a wife, and become more educated. My apologies to Mr. Waters if he's looking for a nice old timey gal who won't lift her petticoat for him before marriage (at age 16), but the vast majority of woman since the 1970s indulge in test driving the car before buying it.

...Women seizing the moment and just living life and having fun like they like to call it...

How. Dare. They. Those damn women and their fun! Listen up ladies - Preston didn't give any of us permission to "just live our lives" - stop it. Just put down your confetti, take off your high heels, and get your self back to your cooking and cross stitching before we ruin society forever.

...eventually become undesirable because no one stays hot forever

Ha! You're telling me! Let's talk about beer guts, receding hair lines, ear hair and erectile dysfunction. 

Sure we men are to blame for this as well, but that is because we're idiots.

...That's it? That's his grand reason to excuse men from the same scrutiny that he is subjecting women to? Because men are idiots? Women are the smarter sex therefore we should recede to our humble roots of family raising and house cleaning? I probably belong at pasture because I don't want to have kids and only lazily clean my house once a week. Might as well shoot me me now and end my whore life. (A bit dramatic I know. But you know us women - shrill and hysterical)

..at the same time I am also a gentleman that knows how to treat a lady with respect and compassion just like any other true lady should be treated

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If this man is a gentleman, I'm a literal unicorn.

A (probably slutty)Hole in Reason

In addition to his vast generalizations  Mr. Waters continuously contradicts his own arguments (I mean I suppose I understand - it must be hard to sort out your point of view when your head is so firmly up your own ass). He scolds us women folk for our fancy free ways of having fun and taking charge of what we want, then makes statements such as: 

This is great because it cuts out a lot of hard work that men used to have to go through to woo a woman to get what they ultimately want

Let me get this straight Preston. You'd like women to shut their legs, but let you bang them. Hate to break it to you bud, but legs have to open for the whole penis in vagina part to happen. Pretty basic biology. Then he presents the reader with this gem of wisdom:

...when we actually find a unicorn and settle down, our ego gets a bit ahead of ourselves and we find them a bit too boring for our liking, so we decide to cheat.

So all women are sluts, but there's rare ones that are pure and wonderful, but therefore are boring, so cheating on them with the aforementioned sluts is inevitable. Well isn't that just a cheery thought. We all might as well all give up on the opposite sex right now. Clearly the concept that men cheat with sluts, so women become sluttier to keep men's attention hasn't occurred to Preston.

Broken Penis Perception

The continuous use of the term 'broken' when referring to women is disturbing. We're not dolls, nor are we wild horses. Mr. Waters' notion of what make a woman broken is strangely similar to what others would call confident and independent. 

Our friend Preston shows signs of intelligent life when he states

...we are eventually going to want more out of a female than just sex.

Oh you mean we're good for more than a place to put your dick? What a relief. What Preston doesn't seem to grasp is that the situation is the same for women. Eventually women will want more from men than just a living dildo. That's what growing up entails. The point in everyone (male and female)'s lives that is driven by their genitals is short lived so why not peruse it while you can? This could simply be the thoughts of a woman "just living life and having fun", but out of your 80 some years you're on this earth, you're going to have a max of 10 of those during which you'll participate in the meat market scene so why not jump in to it groin first? Or don't. The point is that it's your choice how to use your body. It doesn't matter if you're a slut, a compulsive masturbator, a prude, a tease, or a virgin - none of these titles will last forever because they're more a phase of life than a title of identity.

Mr. Waters speaks of the impossible woman who values herself so much so that she'll be an inexperienced starfish when she marries the love of her life (Preston himself I presume), yet he admits:

...it is a fantasy that doesn't actually exist.When you actually meet one, you will refuse to admit she's real anyways.

Well then it seems man kind is just shit outta luck on this one. Might as well grab a stripper right off the stage you've been drooling all over, slap a ring on her finger and put a baby up in that bitch.

This article makes me ever the more glad I'm dating a man who's exactly that - a man. Not a whiny bitch who clearly can't settle on what he wants in a woman. I chalk Preston's views up to being friend zoned one too many times. His hand must be exhausted.

Preston Waters puts all women in to two categories: slutty and dumb, or virtuous and intelligent. The concept of an intelligent, self sufficient, confident woman with gumption is apparently an extinct species in Preston's world. Despite what he seems to believe, education and life experience doesn't evaporate from our vapid little heads the moment we come in contact with a penis. His views of women are  mindbogglingly narrow and shallow.

Let women and men alike do whatever the hell they want with their body because it's their body to decide what to do with. The views of an online Neanderthal should not (and I'm sure do not) have any impact on what dress you're going to wear out tonight and who you're going to give a hummer to later on. 

But hey. I'm just a silly woman. What do I know.

Ps - I resent Preston Waters statement that unicorns aren't real.

Atrociously Asinine Adolescents...Again

August 23, 2013

I'm going to keep this one short because I want to wipe the memory of this utterly craptastic work of fiction out of my head ASAP.

I made the mistake of reading the first of the City of Bones series by Cassandra Claire. It. Was. Awful.

I knew heading in to it that City of Bones wasn't going to be stellar, but I didn't expect it to be subpar to Twilight. I didn't even know it was possible to sink lower than 100 year old virgins and whiny warewolves but Cassandra Clare has powered through and supremely lowered the IQs of tweens everywhere.

This "novel" pulled cliches from every teen story out there. We've got:
- A heroine who doesn't know how attractive she is.
- The geeky friend who secretly has a thing for said girl.
- The mysterious stranger whom the girl finds annoying but pops a lady boner at the sight of .
- An absentee parent, and one remaining parent who keeps secrets "to protect their child".
- Magic.
- Crazy young characters. Fifteen years old? I'm pretty sure I was still excited about shopping at Claire's when i was fifteen.
- Magestic makeover scene turning the heroine from mousy to slutty.
- Geeky understated friend saves the day with unknown talents.

Rant Time
Why is it in these damn books that the heroine finds some skill set she never knew she had that saves her hide? Why couldn't it have been more like:

"The Revener pounded across the living room floor and tore Clary's esophagus from her throat before feasting on her tiny brain and bleeding heart."

Way more fun.


Claire crams as many mythical stereotypes in her story as she possibly can (but still no Unicorns...they're probably too good for this slander disappointment book).

I would rather be eaten by Voldemort than be a part of this atrocity!

In addition to New York now being awash with mythical beings, we learn that these "runes" (which are never properly explained) can make Clary draw objects to life. Oh good. Just what we need. Do me a favor sweetheart and draw me a bottle of JD and a gun.

One last dig at this pile of compost - Cassandra Clare names her heroine Clary. Are you kidding me. Look CC. I know your life must be dull and your couponing can only get you through so many days, but next time you try LSD and have a 3 day trip in your basement, keep the story to yourself. I can find paper elsewhere to line my cat's litter box with.

Fail.

Fembots and Fairytales

August 16, 2013

Upon a friend's suggestion, the next "work of literature" (note the parenthesis - the most sarcastic of all punctuation) I set out to read was Cinder. My love for classic fairytales has been challenged in the past year with movies such as Snow White and the Huntsman with Grumpy Cat Kristen Stewart, so I hoped that a book adaptation of a classic might have a bit more to offer. 

This book is a strange combination of Inspector Gadget, Princess Diaries, Hunger Games, and of course Cinderella. Big kudos to Marissa Meyer for imagination. Taking on the task of rebooting a classic like Cinderella is daunting. The most I could probably do with it is make her a tranny (surprise Prince Charming! Your new wife has a dick!).


Wicked Wins 
Cinder's step mom was a fantastically developed character. What an utterly repellent bitch! Selling her daughter's possessions within minutes of her being carted off to die? Naming your daughters Pearl and Peony? Scandalous and deliciously evil. Being the evil step mother carries a lot of responsibility to be brooding and nasty, and Adri lives up to the title. It's a pretty iconic roll. In the case of this novel, I have to say I agree with Adri on many points. Cinder makes a lot of selfish choices, and I think it's only natural to choose your own (human) daughters over the pet project cyborg your dead husband picked up.

Evil is such a strong word. She's probably just menopausal.

Levana, the queen bee/alien empress/royal bombshell, is the real one who deserves the evil title. What a c-u-next-tuesday that one is. I'm brimming with jealousy over her ability to alter other's perceptions and thoughts. What a handy little feature! Especially when drunk. 

Hot guy: "WTF you just puked on my jeans" 

Me: "Or did I....." 

I can't help but picture Iko, Cinder's personal bitch drone, looking like the love child of Wall-e and Eva. Which is amazing because I've always wanted an Eva (Wall-e not so much. Doesn't know how to mind his own business - too much of a keener).

Just adorable...or just farted

Ques Que Fuck?
As always, I had a few questions when reading this novel:

-Why is she still called Cinder? She's a grease monkey. Something like "Ratchet" or "Sparkplug" would be more appropriate. It's hardly as though the audience would miss the Cinderella reference between the bitchy step mom and the hoity toity prince.

-As a cyborg, would she be an objectiphile? Obviously she's attracted to the prince, but she did seem to have a bit of a thing for that gasoline car in the junkyard too. Just sayin.

-Why is there no  mention of animals? Not even a bird or a bug. Are all animals extinct in the future? 

-Why did we decide to repopulate China of all places? Canada has more room, more varied climates and landscapes, and Ryan Gosling. China has rice and KPop.

-Exactly how much control does Cinder have over her mechanical hand? For example, if she was to give the prince a handy - would she crush his royal member?

-WHY WOULD YOU STOP A BOOK THERE MEYER? Rude. Cliff hangers are for TV episodes, not books. How will it continue considering the rumor is that the next book is about another fairytale? Please, please, please don't tell me Meyer is going to mix stories. GOD FORBID if she mixes the Grimms with Hans Christian Anderson.


My favorite quote of the book was near the beginning when the Prince and Cinder first meet:

“I can’t get her to turn on...She was working fine one day, and the next, nothing" 

HA! How representative of many a man's sentiment towards the rubix cube that is women. Classic.


I was surprised with how much I actually enjoyed this book.  I'm sure the Grimm Brothers are rolling in their graves at the mere thought of a robot princess, but it was entertaining and an easy read. I do still like the original better - you really can't beat self mutilation stories. 
The "twist" was predictable, but still a good aspect to mix up the original plot line of classic Cindy. I did miss the fairy godmother, because she's a badass, but I do appreciate the "make your own magic" message.

Four amputees out of five.