Monday, 13 May 2013

Gagging on Glitter - The Great Gatsby

May 13, 2013

I have been waiting for The Great Gatsby to come out in theaters for what seems like years (in actuality it's only been about 6 months since I found out, but that's a very long time in over-eager-English graduate time). I bought tickets online, paid the absolutely ludicrous price for reserved seating, laughed as the Asian couple in front of me got kicked out of a series of seats before settling in to their assigned seats (in the neck breaking front row), and wore the uber flattering 3D glasses. All things that could have affected my movie experience, but nothing could ruin Gatsby. I. Loved. It. It was like falling through a glamorous rabbit hole as you're transported through the screen's ornate gold frame into the 1920s.

It got such awful reviews (only 48% on Rotten Tomatoes), but clearly these people are ignorant cunts idiots because it was fabulous in every sense of the word. This movie epitomizes #firstworldproblems and #whitepersonproblems and makes you marvel at the power of Gatsby's clean up crew.

90% of the movie was identical to the book - super impressive and unheard of in Hollywood. Very minor variations (no mention of Dan Cody for example) which didn't affect it's AWESOMENESS.
It's always bothered me a bit that Tom has an affair with Myrtle (lets be serious - the mistress is never a ginger), and I wish the movie had shown a bit more of the scandal but what you did see (Joel Edgerton with sex hair and an even more awkward than usual Tobey Maguire) was fun times. Many of the iconic lines were still used which made me happy. In particular, the verbose Jordan Baker:

“And I like large parties. They’re so intimate. At small parties there isn’t any privacy.” 


The casting director needs a raise and a round of slow claps. Well done. And that's from someone who thinks Carey Mulligan is one of the most boring celebutants of all time. I was even okay with her lesbian bob because she wore shiny hair accessories to distract from it. Movie Tom was significantly less racist and crude which was not as much fun, but understandable. I don't know how many more off color (haha...puns...) jokes I can take after Django Unchained anyways. Joel Edgerton was the perfect mix of dominant, scary and sexy for the role and his perve-stache was an excellent addition. Isla Fisher might as well not have even been in the credits with her solid 6:32 minutes of screen time, but she made an excellent corpse. I would have liked to see them pad her bra a bit considering Myrtle was supposed to be bootylicious, but I have pretty high tit standards (Cs and up or it doesn't count). Tobey Maguire. Stop it. Why don't you have lips. But still a good choice for Nick Carraway (although someone like Ewan McGregor could have pulled it off and been dead sexy). Leo was a perfectly overbearing wreck of a man as Gatsby and executed yet another water death (well I might add). Somebody needs to get that man some water wings.

Un. Real. I'm sure many of Carey's dresses were uncomfortable as eff, but that's what being a woman's all about! The Gatsby mansion is a man made marvel in which I could comfortably house each pair of my shoes in their own room and still have space to harbor everyone I know. And Gatsbys closet. O Em Gee. Carrie Bradshaw's panties would be sopping at the mere sight of that closet space. The cars would have a similar effect on anyone with an ounce of testosterone (and many without). I wonder if Leo gets to take any of them if he needs any more props to solidify his lady killer status.

The soundtrack is interesting. Jay Zs contributions really add to the expensive feel. Only truly rich people can sing about other rich people. Each scene was complimented very well with each song. It's a bit off when I jam to it in my Prius, but I like to pretend I'm a balla.

Everyone needs to see this movie. Stop reading and go see it. It exceeded my expectations on every level and for a true classic to be turned into a major blockbuster and me not to hate it, is a damn miracle (*cough* Narnia, Pride and Prejudice, Romeo and Juliet *cough*). This movie will make you want to tackle your wardrobe with Michael's sequins and drink champagne with your morning cheerios. It makes alcoholism look glamorous and abusive relationships look chic. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Five spilled martinis and a drunk text out of five.

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