Wednesday, 10 July 2013

The Last 50 Shades - Putting the "Kin" in "Kink"

July 10, 2013

So it has come to this. Books about married person sex. Who. The. Hell. Cares.

The title of the third book made me smirk - Fifty Shades Freed. Ironic no? Considering that they've tied the knot as well as the bondage ropes, free is not exactly the word that comes to  mind. If I had the audacity to edit the title, I'd go with something like Fifty Shades of Monotonous Monogamy.

I was very disappointed to learn that Christian and Anastasia actually tied the knot. Go ahead, celebrate your love and junk, just please wait until the last chapter of an erotic novel to drop off the sexy scale. No one wants to read about married people humping. It brings up images of your parents humping. And that's gross. Nothing makes sex less kinky than when it's sacred in the eyes of God. Except maybe when you husband tells you not to pee before you do it. Frankly, that's just plain rude. It's vexing to me that Anastasia won't listen to Christian regarding her work schedule, but she's willing to let her husband tell her when she's allowed to tinkle? I read once that if you continuously hold it, you can create urine crystals in you bladder. And that sounds painful. Although considering Christian's affinity for masochism, that could be the end goal - bladder stalagmites and stalactites? How erotic.

I'm sure her vag is just as cavernous and well lit

If the elaborate dwelling and drooling over the God that is Christian Grey didn't tell us that this series was written by a desperate lonely imaginative woman, we certainly catch on as Christian constantly pushes money and clothes on Ana, violently defends her honor, and tells her to gain weight. Which is every woman's wet dream, and completely unrealistic. Bill Gates probably doesn't even tell his wife to go spend his fortune. That's how he stays so rich. Next thing you know Christian will be telling Ana "Get 6 cats. Cat dander gets me hard".

Sister Wives
Christian's brother proposes to Ana's best friend. Another wet dream for woman kind. Too bad they fought for half the length of their relationship before he popped the question. And on that note, does everyone in Portland get married after 6.5 dates? Maybe if they waited they could find nice normal guys who let them piss when they want to and don't touch their tampons. I regress. The club the big happy family goes to when Elliot & Kate get engaged sounds abhorrent. Like the ones you purposely cancel plans for last minute to avoid. As James renders:

The music is pulsing, a techno beat with a thumping base line. The dance floor isn't crowded, which means we have some space. The mix is eclectic - young and old alike dancing the night away.

This description reminds me of a club called Sound Garden in Lethbridge, AB. The one sure place to get date raped and watch a 60 year old overweight woman in leather pants dance on the speakers every Friday and Saturday night. I'll pass thanks. Although if I was brought to a place like this to celebrate my engagement, a handful of roofies, or Forgetmenow's as Gob Bluth calls them, might not be the worst idea.

Last Ditch Attempt at S&M
Christian gets even more rapey with his fantasies in Fifty Shades Freed. Asking your wife to struggle with you when you tie her up? Why don't you just ask her to walk through a parking lot at night and you'll grab her ankle and drag her underneath a truck. Any air of eroticism this scene had to it was lost when Christian utters:

Oh, baby, fight me

BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's just literary gold! Followed by their word diarrhea of one word demands, it was too much for me to handle. My staff must've thought I'd gone off the deep end as I was reading on my computer, snickering behind my desk. 

The Lighter Shades of Grey
I'll give E.L. White this much - the ending was good. Well, until it got all emotional and junk again. But in the midst of the action I was enjoying the change of pace- guns and kidnapping always helps kick things up a notch. I momentarily held a vain hope that Ana was going to die  but was viciously snapped out of my day dream when Christian came to the rescue. Ah well. It was very short lived, but was enough to get me through the end of the book and series. And cushion the awkwardness of Christian carrying Ana to the bathroom and listening to her pee.

This was potentially the worst part of the entire series. Just. Horrendous. 

Can we talk about how they named their first kid Ted? What an awful name for anyone under the age of 80. So many things rhyme with Ted too - that poor bastard is going to be completely tormented at whatever waspy private school he's sent to.

Why are they having bondage sex when she's 6 months prego? That's such a disturbing image! Certainly brings up some fetish concerns.

Did they make Ana have a c-section to preserve her theoretical vag? Because that's hilarious.

This one was definitely the least enjoyable of the 3 books. Just the fact that it took me this long to want to pick it up back up and power through the pages says something. And that's coming from a girl who spent 4 months studying Chaucer. This one might even be worse than Twilight. I know. That bad.

Overall, I'm going to smack the series with a solid 43%. By that I mean I only was entertained 43% of the time reading it, and the 57% I was looking for the next sex scene or wishing it was illustrated.

No comments:

Post a Comment