Monday, 6 January 2014

Twilight - Shallow Girls & Shallow Graves

January 6, 2014

In my holiday dalliance, I felt the urge to read something truly awful. Boorish. Churlish. Abominable. I was halfway a great list of synonyms when it hit me - Twilight. Twilight encompasses all these and more! Reading craptastic books for me is as fun as watching bad 90's TV like Breaker High, but without the added bonus of a young Ryan Gosling. So I embarked on a journey I actively knew I'd regret.

Ahh Bella Swan. Honestly not the worst character in literary history until they used Kristen Stewart to represent her in the movie adaptations. A girl with about as much charisma as my left tit (not my right- it's full of spunk and pizzazz). Starting the book off with a solid helping of whine and despair, she takes us from the Arizona sun to the cloudy, dreary town of Forks. Now that's pathetic fallacy if I've ever seen it.

Forks' Village Idiot
Bella won't shut her cake hole about  everyone's appearances. She gripes about how mousy she is, how beautiful Arizona's citizens were, how mousy she is again, and how confused she is by the Forks' boy's attraction to her. Then there's the Cullens. The moment she sees these 5 pasty, haughty, post pubescent, "students" she's in awe. Why? It's not like these were the days before the internet when you only saw pretty people in the occasional magazine. I refuse to believe the Cullens are any more drool worthy than a handful of the average celebrities (mmm...a handful of Benadict my hand...full...). Her initial description of Edward is "... lanky, lessbulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair.". Uh, that doesn't exactly make my panties drip girl. Sounds like most guys I went to high school with.

Bella jumps head first in to infatuation with the Cullens. Some might say this is because her family blows, or that she's jealous of their grace and bangin' looks, but personally I think it's simply a case of being bored with her own life. Getting an old truck and wet hair isn't exactly anything to write home to your neglectful mom about. Within knowing the kid for one day, Bella states that the second day at school is worse than the first because Edward isn't there...this brings clingy to a new level. She allows her entire world to be dictated by Edward's current opinion of her. It's insanity. Edward's mad at her, she becomes depressed. Edward's chatty, she's happy. Get your shit together. She's so ridiculously co dependent, it's damn near pitiable. Tyler's van should have killed her just to put her out of her bi polar misery.

Despite Edwards blatant warnings to stay away from him Bella continuous to chase him like a starving puppy. Seriously? She probably believes the Shaw guy when he says her appointment is at 1pm too. Idiot. Her blind ignorance is demonstrated constantly throughout the book. Even after she has a dream about Edward being a vampire and Jacob being a wolf, she still doesn't fully make the connection. Instead, she falls in LOVE with the corpse by the end of the 9th (painful) chapter. What is it about clammy skin and guzzling blood that makes her hot? Pass.

Literary Libations
It's a fun game when reading Twilight to take a shot whenever you find a religious reference Stephanie Meyer threw in (good 'ol mormons):
- "He didn't know me from Eve"
- Humans transcending mortal form to become eternal beings
- Sparkly, luminescent Edward...some may even describe him as angelic
- Bella constantly refers to her boy toy as "godlike" and even imagines him as an angel when he saves her (unfortunately)
- Women taking on all domestic rolls (while Charlie sits on his ass watching TV)
- Aversions to lies (or fairy tale truths as I call them)
- No funny business before monogamy, no sex before marriage
- Taking cold medicine is considered " ...gratuitous drug use" 
- Falling in love on the 3rd date (those book-of-Mormon thumpers move faster than lesbians. Honestly.)

It seems to me that Stephanie Meyer is making a valiant attempt at making her own wet dreams in to something acceptable within her cult religion. Taking a blood thirsty demonic figure and turning him in to a sparkly, angelic, soft spoken, hunk may work for you lady, but for the rest of us whose turnoffs include rigamortis and emotional instability, we'll stick with Mr. Pitt and Clooney. 

Ok friends. Time to address the dead, blood thirsty elephant in the room. The sparkling. THE SPARKLING! What was Stephanie Meyer thinking!? I realize that her target audience is prepubescent girls and cat ladies, and both of which are easily entranced by sparkly objects, but COME ON. Sparkly rings - yes. Sparkly nails - yes. Sparkly men - no. Bedazzled humans are only acceptable at raves and gay clubs. 

It's beyond frustrating to me that chaste, innocent Bella can't even vocalize the idea of sex (even when she relates it to marriage). It's very hard to believe that a teenage girl, of any religious persuasion, can't say three little letters. Call me insensitive, but if you can't even entertain the thought of sex, then you're too immature to be considering marriage or sex. Or giving up your last breath to spend eternity as a corpse bride for that matter. Of course my opinion is pretty damn jaded. Pretty sure my first word was "vagina!" (proud moment for my parents).

Alas, this book was not as the title described - Twilight indicates the closing or ending. Considering this novel is only the start to a craptastic saga, I vote we rename it something fitting. Something that will warn the reader before they pick it up. Something like "Admonition" or "Zombies Gone Wrong". This book gets a solid 0.25 blood bags out of 5.

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